I have a lot to say. Yet I don't know how describe it in words. I only have one thing to start with and that is to say that today has been the crappiest day of my life. Actually, it has been the crappiest one week. Right, let me try to explain.

I've been feeling nauseous since last Monday and I've vomited a few times in this one week. It's not because I ate something wrong. (I can conclude that after a week of observing myself.) On top of that, I've lost all my appetite. This is bad because I'm already regurgitating nearly everything I eat and I only eat so little. I've tried my best to hold it in and not let it out, but there is a threshold to these things as well.

P.E. was fun today. I really love P.E. and the sport that we play doesn't matter because this is the only period where I have the chance to feel human. However, there's always this one thing that holds me back from enjoying myself. I try to focus on the lesson and ignore it's perpetual call for attention, but it's a genius - it knows how to make me lose my focus on things as well. I couldn't think then. I didn't even know what I was doing. I just moved like a machine; like as if my body knew where it wanted to go without me telling it where to go. What about the "best" thing that happened to me? I got elbowed in the head - real hard, mind you. That just added on to my dizziness and nausea.

After one match of basketball, I vomited on the court. However, thank God, only my friends saw that disgusting scene. I went to the washroom straight after that to continue with my ordeal. Later, I sat down and watched the other 2 teams play. (There were 3 teams in total, so we had to take turns.) Then it was our team turn again. I didn't want to handicap my team so I continued to play. While I was playing, I suddenly I bent over, feeling the need to vomit; but nothing came out. It was then I realised that I had nothing else to throw up. What could have come out already came out and there's nothing left. For the rest of the day, I just filled myself with water so that I won't be dehydrated from all that vomiting. (I didn't have anymore chances to eat after P.E.. Even if I did, I might not have. No appetite.)

At the end of the whole thing, trust me when I tell you, I just wanted to die as soon as possible. I don't want to keep living like this. It's freaking annoying. I can't even do the simple things I love like dance and P.E.. Sigh. I don't give a damn about my life anymore.

I still went for dance after that. I would skip it if I could, but today was an important day - Italy Dance Competition audition. I respect dance a lot as it's also something that has kept me alive and sane in my entire life. I don't mind dancing till death because I love dance until I can't love it anymore. If you don't know, I'm the type that push myself even if I'm dying to do something I love and live the fullest ut of my life. So, I danced on despite everything that I was feeling then.

I couldn't focus on one point while dancing. I thought that it was because of the chaotic choreography that I can't focus, so I went to ask my friends if the felt the same. They said 'no'. They said they could see things clearly when they dance. So I guess it's just me. I've been seeing everything in a blurred way today and it's just on a certain area of my vision.

Now, enough said.
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You get the point. I am not well but I'm pushing it. I don't see why people with disabilities can perform while I can't.

One more thing: I'm no longer afraid of death.

If it were to come and claim my life, I'll not resist.